las almejas — straight outta el paso

The longer I put off creating a Flash animation to replace this site, the easier it is to leave things be. And the longer that goes on, the more I feel I should post. Something. Anything. Nothing…

Have I mentioned how much I love Diesel Sweeties?

And that I hate blogging?

Yup… the time to kill my blog has come again. Soon this will be something else. Something non-blog. Sorry Jennifer, but I can’t allow you to take over this blog. One call from the F.B.I. was enough…

[ratan’s note — please notice I did not write or post this. This is Jennifer’s fault]

All right guys, if you’re a far left leaning politico who wants to commit political suicide, hire me as your official blogger. Hi, I’m Jennifer Almeja. You might know me as the singer/guitarist for Las Almejas. Or perhaps that woman that got arrested when she put dangerously high levels of laxative in the cakes she sold at the elementary school bake off. Either way, I want to be your new official blogmistress!

What are my qualifications you might ask? I can say fuck a lot! And many variations of it. Fucktard, duckfucker, goatfucker, buttfucker, cuntfucker, fuckface, fuckbutt, fuckcunt, tardfucker. Probably more. And I promise to apply to this anybody who disagrees with me. Including the evil white male Republican fucktard candidate you will soon run again.

It’s so fun to be a rebellious patriarchy smashing adult! Wooo, I said fuck! FUCK! I can’t believe somebody could so fucking daring as to say a naughty word like fuck. Somebody congratulate me at my awesome rebellious nature! I fucking rock, yo! Fuck! Tee-hee. Mom and dad must really be blushing now!

Oh, yeah, I can say the other six words from George Carlin’s bit as well. You’ll have to pay to read those. But trust me, I can use every single one of them, in multiple ways, and apply them to your opponents. You will look like the coolest candidate EVER! Kids these days love teh profanity. It’s how they prove they’re fucking mature, responsible fucking adults and fucking rebellious anti-conservative bad asses!

And I can talk about my sex life! I’m a punk rock chick and recently discovered I like girls as much as boys! I have hundreds of sordid stories I can fill you blog with. The stories I have could make Larry Flynt blush, but where he’s a man, he’s sexist. But I’m a woman, so it’s okay for me to be free with this info! All hail pussy power! I ♥ double standards!

And I’m rich! I have loads of money, thanks to my connections to the Mexican drug trade, so I can pay anybody to say any lie about your opponent! Think about it! That would be AWESOME! That scandal would last for fucking EVER! So fuckin’ righteous, eh?

And I can make idiotic and uninformed comments better than most! You know that Duke rape scandal? The players are clearly guilty. I mean, my fucking GOD, they’re white! And men! Men always lie. Women never do, unless they want to deceive they’re stupid boyfriends, which is their goddess given right! There is no need to investigate further. Those boys should have had been beheaded the day after because they’re obviously guilty. Who needs facts when you have gut feeling? Facts are a ploy of the patriarchy to brainwash women out of rebelling against the patriarchy anyway. Facts and reason? No fucking thank you! I’ll leave that noise for the braindead victims of the patriarchy!

So, remember, that’s Jennifer Almeja. I will work hard to ruin your chances at office! Just don’t expect me to take responsibility for anything, because expecting me, or any woman, to be responsible is sexist! I am not responsible for anything! If I do wrong I blame the patriarchy  like any real woman would!

Jennifer Almeja plays guitar, bass and sings co-lead vocals for El Paso grindcore band Las Almejas. The band is hard at work on their next album, due for a summer ‘07 release.

First, a greeting from Mr. Peter Griffin:

Secondly, a somewhat NSFW greeting from Ms. Bettie Page
(more…)

I found this great video on YouTube the other night. I’m a huge fan of Superchunk, but I’ve not heard Portastatic before (heard of them, though).

Here is the band’s great tribute to Talking Heads “Once In A Lifetime” video, and a damn great song, if I do say so myself:

Here is the original, just in case you’ve not seen it before:

I’ve been on a Talking Heads kick lately.

Lastly, my favorite lyrics by Royal Trux, from their song “Map of the City”

She had a face like a cook
I’d seen in the kitchen of the Anchor Hotel
See her in the city virgin
She’s friendly and you know her well
A thousand-odd broken stallions
Still very quick on the beat
Full-size, the buffet begs before them All you can eat

I’m drawing up a plan for the city
Filled with ten thousand crooked stairs
Some lead up to heaven
Some look through you like you’re not even there

Could it be that I’ll see her
When I cut across the park
Walking along with her hound?
When I look at myself in the shower
I wonder if she’ll see what I see
And will she like what she has found
I rolled out from under the engine
And I saw her standing there
I knew right then that I could love her forever
Even when her breasts are rotted with cancer

I wonder where she went when she said go
A sailor has to masturbate until the ship lands
A lot of things happen out on the open sea
I’m gonna sell Arizona to Japan

I’m drawing up a plan for the city
Filled with ten thousand crooked stares
Some lead up to heaven
Some look through you like you’re not even there

The bit I bolded will be a part of my wedding vows. Now… the trick is to find a woman who finds such a statement romantic. “She is out there, Charlie Brown!”

That’s all for this month, folks!

For the second time in less than a month, another viral marketing scheme has been revealed. Not that this one was hard to figure out. After the last one (the wife getting revenge on her cheating husband, no link), I had this one figured out at first glance.

Mystery solved: Lonelygirl15 wasn’t alone

This was too obvious. In fact, wasn’t something very similar done a year or so ago? Or maybe that was a livejournal.

I guess I can’t blame them for trying. Some people eat this sort of thing up like a dog eats its own vomit. She’s lonely and in a repressive Christian household (why is it always Christians? Aren’t there some hot, lonely Muslim chicks who want to rebel?) And at (supposedly) 15, she’s bound to play into the fantasies of lonely pervs around the globe. To quote a recent episode of Family Guy “American cant’ get enough hot, white, jailbait ass.”

But viral marketing has become so obvious that people gobsmacked by it are either so new to the internet they need to read “how to send and receive email!” tutorials, or just way too gullible. So gullible they probably sign up for those “get rich quick” and “shoot 10 feet of jizz”!” email offers.

As for me and my house, we will not fall for these shenanigans.

keywords: Lonelygirl15, Viral Marketing

I’ve found that as my writer’s block grows, so does my misanthropy.

The bad thing about majoring in English is the workload. You have to read a lot of shitty books (I’m currently reading To The (sodding bloody) Lighthouse) and I have to write papers on them. Papers that might be shitty, but not nearly as shitty as the book upon which they are based.

Even worse is my poetry class. The poetry book wasn’t bad, but there was nothing there to really rip into. Whereas last week I tore Langston Hughes a new one over his laughable poem “Another S in the USA.” Poets and authors need to say stupid things so I can rip them apart.

Sadly, the teacher doesn’t like this tactic. For she is a radical. That, and her blessed pet is back for another class this semester. As long as this pet is writing papers, the bar is set impossibly high. Of course, I could always kiss ass, but I’d sooner die.

I might be a failure, but at least I’m not like either of them.

Yeah, I’m bitter.

The release of “22 Uses For A Severed Head” has been delayed by a month, but fear not, for the band is releasing a stop-gap EP entitled “The Only Man To Ever Love Jennifer For Her Personality.

The title track will be on the upcoming album, but to entice collectors and fans, this e.p. contains four exclusive songs.

This is a (small version) of the album cover:

The track listing is as follows:

1. The Only Man To Love…
2. Cancer Is Funny
3. Fetch the Coat Hanger
4. All Hail The Great Anti-Feminist Warriors Of UTEP
5. I Ate Your Mother Out Last Night

The title track deals with the tragic death of an emo boy Jennifer went out with last summer. The total run time is 6:34 and should be in stores Tuesday the 22nd.

Well, I finally found out how I view my web stats. Dream Host has a somewhat more vague set up than previous hosts, but now that I’ve found them, I think I shall check in more often.

First off, most of my visitors, by a very large margin, are of the bot variety. Eight years ago, when I had my first geocities web page, I loved the idea of “web crawling bots.” I could literally picture a small robot crawling over different web pages, recording the information found within (said jokingly). Now I think they’re “meh.”

However, it seems I’m getting good Google rankings. A few people (probably myself doing a meta search) found my blog through “lasalmejas.”

More humorously, somebody found this page through the search “the modern pinup and the objectification of women.” A title that sounds like an awful essay from a women’s studies course. Or that of a blogger who read such an essay and took it seriously.

Obviously the hit came back to this post, which is sadly no longer on the front page. I get the feeling the person who clicked this page did not like what they saw. The misanthropic side of me hopes I ruined somebody’s day.

As for you, dear faithful reader, here is your daily moment of zen:

Or moment of cardiac arrest, if you entered the above search string in Google.

keywords: web stats, pinups, Rion Vernon, Pin-Up Toons

After a few years away, the band welcomes back Fiona to the fold. Well, actually, she forced her way back into their lives, much like that crazy stalker that somehow manages to be everywhere you are, “just by accident.” She will be on keyboards and 2nd bass, but don’t worry, Las Almejas isn’t turning into a synth band anytime soon.

Jen’s jaw is healing nicely and in a few more weeks she should be able to cut her vocals, though her sister, Lynn, has sang on more than half the album this time just to encourage her recovery along. Whether or not those vocal tracks will be dumped when Jen can record or not is still unknown.

“22 Uses For A Severed Head” is still due out in late August despite recording delays.